I’m fed up with all the flooding, constant raining, and dismal pouring that’s been happening around here the past few days. So I’m going to have a go and “translate” natural disasters as well as simple meteorology into plain English, so to speak. I hope my two cents’ worth wins some laughs. [Disclaimer: No brutal sarcasm or misguided humor toward God or his activities is intended. This is all poking fun at the weather and its creator — no laughing at the effects of natural disasters. Their destruction is real.]
- Rain → God is…taking a shower. Soft or hard downpour is predetermined by water pressure in the showerhead. Or, the old-fashioned view: he’s watering his garden.
- Thunder & Lightning → God is…flipping light switches. And slamming doors. At more or less the same time.
- Sunshine with partial clouds or none → God is…well, the light switch is on. Pray that he never flips it off for good.
- Strong winds → God’s fan is on.
- No wind → God’s fan is off.
- Hot temperatures → God is…using the heater. Or misusing his oven. Take your pick.
- Cold temperatures → God is…using the air conditioner. Or he had forgotten to close his refrigerator door.
- Freezing temperatures → God has left his freezer door open. Or the darn thing is just broken.
- Flooding → What happens when God forgets to turn off the tap. Or when he sloshes too much water during his bath. Or his showerhead gets broken.
- Fog → God is taking an extra hot shower — and he did not close the bathroom door.
- Snow → God is taking an icy shower.
- Hail → God is cleaning out his freezer. And throwing ice cubes out.
- Sleet → What happens when God spills water on the floor, leaves his humidifier on, and leaves his refrigerator door open. All at the same time.
- Earthquake → God’s dancing. Tremors are stronger or weaker depending on his choice of music.
- Volcano → Tricky. It’s a tie between God’s oven going awry or his stove cooking over-boiling.
- Tornado → God’s vacuuming.
- Duststorm/sandstorm → God’s dusting. Playing rowdily in a sandbox is an unlikely cause.
Did I miss anything? Do you have better ideas for the causes? Tell me — if you dare. 😀