A monotheistic interpretation of the weather

https://i1.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/04/Foudre.JPGI’m fed up with all the flooding, constant raining, and dismal pouring that’s been happening around here the past few days.  So I’m going to have a go and “translate” natural disasters as well as simple meteorology into plain English, so to speak.  I hope my two cents’ worth wins some laughs. [Disclaimer: No brutal sarcasm or misguided humor toward God or his activities is intended.  This is all poking fun at the weather and its creator — no laughing at the effects of natural disasters.  Their destruction is real.]

  • Rain  God is…taking a shower.  Soft or hard downpour is predetermined by water pressure in the showerhead.  Or, the old-fashioned view: he’s watering his garden.
  • Thunder & Lightning  God is…flipping light switches.  And slamming doors.  At more or less the same time.
  • Sunshine with partial clouds or none → God is…well, the light switch is on.  Pray that he never flips it off for good.
  • Strong winds → God’s fan is on.
  • No wind → God’s fan is off.
  • Hot temperatures → God is…using the heater.  Or misusing his oven.  Take your pick.
  • Cold temperatures → God is…using the air conditioner.  Or he had forgotten to close his refrigerator door.
  • Freezing temperatures → God has left his freezer door open.  Or the darn thing is just broken.
  • Flooding → What happens when God forgets to turn off the tap.  Or when he sloshes too much water during his bath.  Or his showerhead gets broken.
  • Fog → God is taking an extra hot shower — and he did not close the bathroom door.
  • Snow → God is taking an icy shower.
  • Hail → God is cleaning out his freezer.  And throwing ice cubes out.
  • Sleet → What happens when God spills water on the floor, leaves his humidifier on, and leaves his refrigerator door open.  All at the same time.
  • Earthquake → God’s dancing.  Tremors are stronger or weaker depending on his choice of music.
  • Volcano → Tricky.  It’s a tie between God’s oven going awry or his stove cooking over-boiling.
  • Tornado → God’s vacuuming.
  • Duststorm/sandstorm → God’s dusting.  Playing rowdily in a sandbox is an unlikely cause.

Did I miss anything?  Do you have better ideas for the causes?  Tell me — if you dare. 😀

Natalie Gorna

 

12 thoughts on “A monotheistic interpretation of the weather

  1. Pointer December 10, 2012 / 09:26

    I, too, tire of battle scenes. One thing, though, that intrigued me in the Illiad was the use of “Athena, with her grey eyes” (or something close to that), which kept coming back. In some “lives of saints” I’ve come across that, too: one character addressing another not simply by name, but characterising them: “Your humility,” for example; like the more recent titles, “Your Majesty,” or “Your Grace,” but with much more variety. In the case of Athena, I enjoyed the quick imagery of the title.
    No, you’re not too forward, though I admit I hesitate as this forum’s very public. We’re in a contemplative monastery, of an Eastern rite (the Byzantine, with plenty of icons and incense, and some bowing and a touch of prostrations, in our worship). It’s in the Ukrainian Catholic Church. Traditionally, we would regard all monasteries as being of the one order of Monks, and the division into separate orders as a development in the Western culture that is relatively “recent” (merely the last few centuries); in fact, there are a few orders, the West being influential. So, we’re not in an order, as you might think of one, but simply under our Bishop. Most monasteries that are in orders, are within some jurisdiction alongside the bishops, many monasteries under a more central monastic authority, which in turn is under the bishops at a higher level.
    As to how we live a monastic life in the modern age, we do so as simply as we can, we just do. We eat, sleep, and work, as people and monks have always done; and we pray much, keep silence much, live within a cloister mostly — here we’re not quite so strict as in some of the stereotypical places — and offer the Church’s worship a few times a day in church. And, as you see, we adapt to modern technology.
    I admire that your finding over the years some literature in a new light, is in a better light, an upward movement! 🙂
    Many are the ancient myths of Greece; in my family we read many, when I was young. I might try again, had I more time.
    Feel free to pass on this question, but I keep wondering about your “avatar”, the one before the white wolf, a lovely one, whether it was of you? Also, offer admiration, the slight, gentle fall of snowflakes here is just right! 🙂

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    • Natalie Gorna December 10, 2012 / 10:54

      Yes, I love Homer’s use of epithets – they’re very appropriate descriptions of the characters.

      Thank you for answering my questions – one final one is out of curiosity: is your cloister located within the U.S.? 🙂

      Which avatar do you mean? I have the white wolf now as my avatar; my previous one was indeed my photo, but now there’s a better photo of me on my short biography page, so my avatar remains a more neutral representation of me. 🙂

      Ah, the snowflakes are WordPress’s doing, not mine, but snow will be falling on my blog until January 4!

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      • Pointer December 10, 2012 / 13:20

        Yes, I’ve seen both photos, and am glad they are of you; I read you bio before my first reply, and saw them then, and saved one…
        Yes, our monastery is in the U.S. If you’re in Fresno, we’re northwest of you, nearer the coast. If curious, you’d be most welcome to visit some day. The “Retreats” page gives our location; the “Prayer Requets” page, our email. But I’m afraid it would be a few hours drive, and think you’d want more details of what things are like here, before making a long journey. If you write to me at the e-address on the prayer request page, you may ask all the questions you please.
        I like the white wolf: pure, strong, friendly yet firm.
        I wonder if you’ve ever read “The Tao of Pooh”? A bit whimsicle, yet serious in its own way.

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        • Natalie Gorna December 10, 2012 / 13:32

          Sure – if you’d like to carry on our discussion in email, I’ll email you and address my emails to “Pointer,” correct?

          Yes, the white wolf is…well, it’s one of my favorite symbols, next to the horse. Both are strong, resilient – they survive danger, hardship, and cruelty but still come out of their trials twice as beautiful and enchanting.

          Haha, my mom bought me that book – it’s lovely, with all the concealed wisdom and truisms uttered by the wonderful Winnie the Pooh and company.

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          • Pointer December 11, 2012 / 08:52

            Yes, correct.

            Oh – about the wolf – I hope you haven’t had to suffer much cruelty, but do appreciate resilience, the ability to bounce back ever more beautiful!

            As for the book on Pooh, I relished the cozy conversational tone of the book, and had also read the “Tao Teh Ching” on my own in high school and so appreciated that flavor in the book – it’s main point, I suppose.

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          • Natalie Gorna December 11, 2012 / 16:49

            Final thoughts here before I turn to email: I don’t mean to sound…egotistical or anything like that…but my mom and I – we have suffered and continue to suffer quite a bit of cruelty, and for the sake of not sounding whiny or complaining, I’m purposely understating the truth here.

            I think I’ve posted about this on my blog in the past, but even in the case of the marvelous wolf or horse, cruelty can make you and at the same time it can break you completely. One of my favorite novels concerning this theme is “Smokey the Cowhorse.” It depicts brutality, beauty, and true resilience of both man and animal. And above all, it points out the power of hope and how you need to hold onto it, like an anchor, in order to keep sailing through the turbulent waters of life. Oh dear, that sounds corny – please excuse me. 🙂 But the the writer must live on…

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  2. Pointer December 2, 2012 / 14:23

    The world suffused with sunlight shining sideways, enlightened and glowing: God, enjoying his living painting, writing with reality.

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    • Natalie Gorna December 2, 2012 / 17:50

      That’s a very poetical, lyrical comparison – thank you for sharing it. 🙂

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      • Pointer December 3, 2012 / 14:38

        Grateful for your reply. “Lyrical” is a lovely word: smooth, like the sinuous hills leading into the Sierras. I look it up, it’s like a lyre: musical words, to make the heart sing. I expect you’re far, far beyond me, in knowing literature, but as you’ve shared one of your favorite, favorite quotes, the one from C.S.Lewis I think, I’ll just mention my favorite poem, “When Moonlight Falls on the Water” by H. Conkling, which I venture to suppose may be lyrical, too…

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        • Natalie Gorna December 3, 2012 / 18:23

          No problem – thanks again for commenting on my blog entry. No, I’m not far, far beyond you in knowing literature – I’m someone who simply loves books and will never give up on reading. Despite my Goodreads statistics, there are many fantastic books I haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing. Because to read a book is to experience the thoughts and imagination of someone else – and given the natural human need for connection, reading (and writing) books is a powerful way of conversation, of “sharing” one’s soul and seeing another’s. Ah, the C.S. Lewis quote…I truly love his Chronicles of Narnia. Thank you for sharing the poem – I’ll look it up and have a listen. 😉

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          • Pointer December 6, 2012 / 11:29

            Yes, I’ve heard the writing and reading of books referred to as conversation, too; it was a referrence to the perennial philosophy as a conversation sustained over many centuries. I find a good book feels like visiting a good friend, a sense of healing; a not-so-good as a bit painful, as a dear opportunity somehow missed.
            I like Lewis, too: met him through his Screwtape Letters, and met him again in Perelandra – I’d read tons of sci-fi when very young, and so enjoyed his new variation. The obcure Crystal Hastings wrote a slim volume of poetry about Yosemite that I loved, long ago; a more recent reading seemed disappointing: sometime literature is like that. I read in English a lovely translation of the Illiad one time, and loved it, but not in another translation – that’s perplexing!

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          • Natalie Gorna December 6, 2012 / 18:10

            That has happened to me as well – coming across the same literature a 2nd time in a new light. For example…Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia. As a young child, I couldn’t understand them – so I decided I didn’t like them. Years later, I finally read them – and I was enchanted. 🙂 Now they rank as one of my all-time favorite series. However, I don’t think I have ever changed my mind about favorites becoming un-favorites. Usually, my first impressions about liking a novel stay the same – though with disliking, the reverse happening is a rare occurence.

            As for the Iliad…I’m quite intrigued and interested in the plethora of Greek mythology, pagan as that may sound. But though I recognize Homer’s contribution to poetry and literature AND Greek mythology, my opinion about the Iliad will forever remain unchanged: it was a continuous, monotonous description of battle scenes, death, and gore that has no soul. The Odyssey was less boring, but it was rather sexist and narrow-minded. Still, I may need to use both for future reference in my intellectual pursuits, personal opinion aside.

            I apologize if I’m being forward, but I noticed you are from the Mount Tabor monastery. I visited its website, but most pages are under construction. I’m curious – could you tell me more about how you live a monastic life in this modern age and how your order differs from others?

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