I wish I were never born

The start of this week, Sunday, August 22, 2010, has determined that my life and my mom’s life are “destined” to recede into a worst state than both of our lives are already in.  I have mentioned our housing situation before on this blog; the uninformed reader can simply click on the “homelessness” tag in my tag cloud (located on my blog’s sidebar).  Anyway, the first time I revealed the truth, I stated that we were washing ourselves in a public park’s restrooms.  As of August 22, this has unfortunately ended.  We were subjected again to another interrogation by nasty police officers.  Indeed, today and the day before yesterday, we also had to endure more “visits” like that.  These episodes will be hard for me to narrate, so I should just get it over and summarize.

We went to Railroad Park in Clovis on August 22, at about 7 a.m. when the park opens.  My mom and I went individually to the restroom to refresh ourselves by washing our faces, etc.  It couldn’t have taken more than 30 min. for both of us.  We were by our car when suddenly two police cars parked in front of car and behind it (meaning that one police car parked in front and one parked behind).  Two police women stepped out and started the whole” we got a call” speech, only this time the anonymous person who called said that my mom looked troubled (?).  Yeah right.  Their inquiries about whether we were okay escalated into a violent tirade.  One of them told my mom to “shut up” when my mom didn’t even say anything, and then that same policewoman later grabbed by mom by her arm for no reason while screeching that my mom was the one who grabbed her!  By threats and harassment, they forced my mom to show them her ID, which they had no valid reason to ask for.  Like I said before many times, police officers cannot start questioning anyone they want and ask them for their IDs without a valid reason or sufficient evidence.  Otherwise, the U.S. should be officially called a dictatorship instead of a democracy and freedom should be proclaimed to be dead.  If it ever was alive in the first place, of course.  To digress, they finished their verbally and physically abusive interrogation/tirade with a resounding threat by telling us that we can’t go to that park anymore.  And what did we do to merit such an “injunction”?  Nothing.  They picked us from everyone in the park to harass, an obvious act of discrimination, when we were not doing anything wrong.  For the record, during the numerous months that we’ve been going to that park, not a single person who was there was ever approached by a police officer, even when those persons were committing violations in the open.  That speaks for itself.  No one can forbid you to go to a public park.  But those two “police women” did.  And they didn’t care if it was legal or not.  Two other examples of our negative experiences this week would be the appearance of a police car on August 24 at 11 p.m. at the place where we sleep in our car.  The two officers merely said that they were checking on us like always since the area we sleep at is in their patrol and we had encountered them before.  However, this morning at 1 a.m., an “unknown” set of police officers came to the same area and began the same mindless questions.  We answered truthfully as always, and they eventually left us alone.  Every incident like this leaves us frightened and incoherent.

First of all, our financial situation is deplorable.  Second of all, every event that occurs in our lives is worse than the one before.  My existence is plummeting in a never-ending spiral of destruction, devastation, and despair.  That “half-smile” that I exclaimed in my previous blog entry has vanished in a matter of days to transform into a grimace of inward pain, hopelessness, and fear.  Anxiety and sadness rule my emotions because evil humans and twisted fate are the tyrants of my life.  I can’t escape reality’s demons, society’s menaces, or the lack of human compassion.  The course of our lives has been a tornado of injustice and cruelty instigated by humanity, the bane of the world’s existence.  A good human is an extinct creature as far as I’m concerned.  To believe in human goodness is like trying to catch a star in a pool’s reflection—an illusion that hurts one’s spirit when the truth is realized.  That is how I feel.  My existence is a mistake.  The path I’m on is a living curse.  Why should I keep trying to succeed?  Why should I believe in anything?  There is nothing on this planet which could convince me that my troubled existence has a purpose, a meaning.  That “the ends justify the means.”  That is nonsense.  Nothing can justify my mother being in pain and numb from her head to her feet while being forced to sleep in the car.  God is absurd.  A good reason for me to believe in him is to punish him with the agony of my thoughts and accuse him of being a joke and a fraud.  When I cry, my soul is screaming in actual pain.  I feel like the very essence of myself is being slowly ripped apart.  Thank you, God, for making me walk through this Hell.  Maybe, someday, our “positions” will be reversed.

I published my 101st article on the Examiner yesterday and I hope to publish my 102nd article today or tomorrow in an effort to fulfill my routine of publishing three book reviews per week on the Examiner.  The Examiner’s upgrade is coming along nicely, although it isn’t finished yet.  I plan to divide my review of The Prophecy of the Stones by Flavia Bujor into two parts in order to finish this week’s obligations.  I recently finished reading this novel and it is worth a review.  I’m currently reading Eclipse, volume#3 in the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer.  I’m also re-reading some classics.  My tutoring job is progressing well, even though it’s hard for me to concentrate on the lessons at hand when my mind is wandering through all those painful memories that haunt me.  It’s easy to say “forget and forgive”….but the same bad things continue to happen again.

Just a note: my life story so far is no fantasy.  I have been indirectly accused of “mixing fantasy with reality and fact” in my blog entries.  Everything I have recalled so far on my blog is true and real, just like I am a real person, not a computer, who has to exist on this earth like everything else.

Natalie Gorna

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